Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Sometimes the Mountain Blows

I'm sorry I didn't blog yesterday. I was actually dreading it. I was having a nice morning and was well on my way to having a very nice afternoon and evening. I was relishing in how some of the changes in my habits and attitudes has effected my sense of well being. That for once other than being intermittently tired that I was feeling better. That perhaps I was turning a corner. Then before I signed off to gather the kids for nap time I checked my email (it was from someone who had hurt me terribly). Then suddenly my blood pressure shot up. My jaw clenched and I felt the world tilt. If I was the mountain, that mountain just blew its lid. Definitely a Mt St. Helen's moment.

I could go into the whole story but would prefer not too. It does no one any credit to make a private matter a public one. The who, what, where and why isn't important either and in truth, at some point yesterday (while I was trying to calm down) I almost forgot exactly what had started the whole rift in the first place but then I remembered. The funny thing was that when I realized that I was almost drawing a blank on what the initial rift was about I had to laugh to myself. Then I realized something big. I realized that I had actually moved on.

You see, in order for me to have allowed that lapse it means that I stopped mewing on it. At some point in the last year or so, I've dropped it. I moved on. Likely because I found something positive to dull the pain. There are so many great and positive things that have taken up rent in my mind in the last year that I can hardly count them. Does it equal forgiveness? Um possibly.

My attitude toward that person had soften somewhat in the last few months but not in the sense that I was willing to forget all the ugliness and turmoil it caused but rather that I was able to spin my current thoughts in a more positive light. My thoughts of her had gone from vitriol to fogginess. No longer did I carry the passion of hate but rather a tepid ambiguity.

As soon as I had examined it, I calmed down and saw the situation for what it really was. I dropped it. Cold in its tracks. I didn't carry on for the rest of my day arguing in my head. I didn't think about it much at all actually. When I did think about it my concern was more for my husband than for myself. I was able to move on with my afternoon and evening. I had a lovely dinner with my family. The whole while my husband watched me carefully. He must have been wondering when I was going to blow my stack again. He must have thought it really odd that it wasn't even on the radar.

I went to bed relaxed from my run. Reconnected to my happy feelings and having spent some quality happy time with my husband. I slept like a baby.

Sheree is so right.... its good to be the mountain!

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