I've been blogging and thinking of some really deep shit lately so I was thinking that it's time to lighten up. So this blog post is about how I'm lightening up, literally.
There are several factors that play against me. 1) I adore cooking/baking and have a lot of experience in doing so. 2) I love food and by the way it sticks to my thighs means it reciprocates. 3) I have been mostly lazy my entire life, so that means that I've gone from couch to Half Marathon.
I've grown tired of feeling blah about my appearance which I don't really try to keep up because of my general dissastifaction with it. It would be nice to have a better self-image and more confidence. I know that last statement might actually make some of you pause since it already seems that I'm very outgoing. Imagine me back to my slim and bouncy self. Wow, scary eh?
So with running 4-5 days a week, two serious workouts a week not including my long distance run. Trimming off a whole wack of calories and lovely extras I'm finally starting to feel strong. Misty, has noticed subtle changes in the way I look and because I avoid mirrors nearly at all cost I'll have to take her word for it. No budge on the scale but it doesn't deter me. I'm stronger and I know it. That's a good start. I'm am still not half as active as most of my friends but it's a good start.
When I first started working out with Misty and her groups I paused and sucked wind more than my fair share of times. It used to be my goal to stop-stopping. After a few weeks I could keep up so much better. Now I find myself making the exercises harder. Like dancing around while holding one legged planks. Going deeper into my squats and really working all the other parts that hurt like hell the day after. Then there is me just trying to keep up with Charmaine! She's killer.
Today I put on an old pair of jeans. I was able to do them up and I've been wearing them all day. Of course, I still need to fine tune the overage (ha that's my new word for muffintop) but with a long sweater, all is good. It just reminds me that I really don't need the pat of butter. I really don't need to ask my husband to go out and buy me ice-cream just because I've had one hell of a day. I don't even feel it's necessary to indulge in a martini anymore for the same reasons as I avoid ice-cream. No day is bad enough to warrant death by calories.
I'm pretty sure that I will not go back to taking a picture diary of my meals. It was nice and it worked in so far as keeping my portions small to save face. I'd rather spend the time that I'd waste documenting that stuff and maybe do some wall sits or beating my 3 min plank time.
So if someone tells me to lighten up, I'll tell them "I am!" Oh, and "PFO". *wink*
I've been lost in my thoughts a lot lately. Not being able to put my thumb on one feeling longer than a fleeting moment. Ups and downs, happiness and deep reflection. There has been much to say but no reasonable way to put it into words. Well until today. I was poking around in between busy tasks on Facebook and there it was. Staring up from the electronic page. The awful news that someone I was acquainted with in the cyber world had died. Not just an accident or an illness but she died of desperation. No one seemed to see it coming.
I only knew her as a kind and generous person. I've read the wonderful words written about this friend. She was a supportive, caring person. From her pictures she emitted such warmth. She is survived now by her husband and her children. I can only imagine now what her family and loved ones must be feeling. I hardly knew her but her story writes on my wall of who I am. She likely had no way of knowing how much and how many she would touch with her life. Her passing has now doubled that.
The thoughts I've been thinking about while on my Lenten Journey have been about my relationships and my deeds. What I've grown past and what still lies ahead and how I want to get there. How in my life I've known a great many people and they've come into and out of my life for so many reasons. Each person writing on wall of who I'd be. Who I am now. What role I played in the relationship and what I'd do differently if I had the chance.
What do I bring to the table? What makes me, me, when no one is watching? I believe we all ask these questions of ourselves. We all deliberate over our outer truths and our inner demons. Such a juxtaposition of selves. The good. The bad. Somewhere in between, Ātman.
Who's life will I touch today and why? Will it be positive? Will it be indelible?
Lent in the Catholic tradition, is the period of the liturgical year from Ash Wednesday to Easter. Lent is a time of sacrifice for Jesus. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, repentance, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.
This period is often marked by what one will give up for 40 days. Well at least lately it seems as such. What does Lent really mean to you? Do you really use these 40 days to reflect on where you've deviated from the path? Do you spend these 40 days skirting true sacrific or diving in deep, right to the bone?
For me this season always brings a period of inner reflection and during that time I flagellate over the things that I've done and said and thought that were less than pure. For the things that have sent out into the world that lacked good intention.
I was speaking with a dear friend of mine who reminded me that perhaps it was God's intention to make us in his image but because we were only a copy, we were not to be considered to be more than being in construction. An individual miracle in progress. That we learn more about ourselves from the struggle than the acheivement. Basically, we were meant to make mistakes and to learn from them.
This is what Lent means to me. A period of time spent in reflection, atonement, sacrifice for the benefit of purging the ills. Giving up to others in support of their struggles. Creating a new path.
Each year I come out of the 40 days of Lent with a new clarity. New perspectives. I come out of this period a little closer to the mark then I was before it began. I don't have a nifty list of the things I plan to give up. The things I give up I tend not to want back at the end of the 40 days so what kind of sacrifice is that, really? What do I want back at the end of Lent that I can't have during Lent? Is it as simple as offering up my daily vat of coffee? My guilty pleasure of cruising TMZ? These all seem so trivial. I need to dig deeper...how deep is the bone?
So begins my period of reflection and atonement, sacrifice and almsgiving. I am a miracle in training.
Wow life has really gotten busy here. So much so that I haven't even had a spare thought to blog! Incredible I know! It really has been a while and thought that it would be nice to write something very positive today. Get the good mojo going. Last month I wrote confessions, this time I'll write about the things I adore.
*Coffee. Truly! One of the first thoughts I have when opening my eyes in the morning is being so happy to know that my husband has made me a pot of his fabulous coffee. It's like liquid love.
*I adore that every morning when I walk into L's room, he scrambles to hide under his blanket so that he can spring out and suprise me when I go to open his drapes to let in the sunshine. I love that he is so happy to be able to do this each and every day, without fail!
*I secretly love that E's bedroom floor is a mine field of Lego pieces even if I wind up stepping on most of them while navigating my way to his drapes in the morning.
*Coffee again, because well...I love coffee.
*I adore my husband. Simply he is the best person I have ever met.
*I love the way sunlight streams through the windows in the morning and that the weiner dogs are there to soak up every last ray. They often remind me of the hotdogs that circle around in that strange heating device at the movie theater.
*I love the happy chatter of the birds at the feeders and their messy habits that cause the wildflowers to grow where the discarded seeds drop.
*I adore that no sooner than I settle in to do my day's work that my husband calls or pings me to say good morning, again. I love that he usually has a silly joke for me or tells me all about the latest goings-on with his friends and co-workers. The day will always seem imbalanced if we miss this moment together.
*I love that my friends always have great stories to share. That we can get together as often as we do and do our thing. It's therapy for both the heart and our health. They are a powerful positive force!
*I love the feeling of planting seeds and tiny plants, knowing that with a little love and patience, there will be something beautiful and surprising waiting for me under a leaf or on a vine. I could spend hours just fussing over my gardens.
*I love the feeling of accomplishment when I finish one of my many projects. There is something wonderfully theraputic about putting one's hands to work.
*I love to listen to opera and drink wine while cooking. I can escape into a land of the senses. Really creating dishes in my kitchen is more than merely putting food on the table. It's opening night at the Met.
*I adore that my youngest child occasionally wants to be rocked to sleep. For no other reason then wanting a little extra love. I also love that my eldest has moved into that boyhood phase of wanting to be as fiercely independant as possible. They are the best things I've ever made from scratch.
*I love laundry on the line.
*I love new nail polish and the smell of a beauty salon.
*I love Fall and Spring for it's broody days.
*I adore new running gear and of course the feeling of finishing that really long run and knowing that I can marry new gear with long run and a huge Tim's coffee at the end. Did I mention that I adore long distances? I love the tallying up the mileage at the end of the week and pin pointing on the map where I could end up if I put all the miles together.
*I love snowy days when there is nothing in particular that needs to be done.
*I love it when my magazines come in the mail. Then spending hours in the tub getting prune toes and reading them from cover-to-cover because my wonderful husband thinks it is important for me to have "mom" time. See I told you he was amazing!
*I love that hot cup of tea at the end of each day. I love it even more when hubby makes it for me.
*I love that the last thought I have every single night is that I love my family, that I adore my friends and that I truly want for nothing more than just the priviledge of doing it again the very next day!