Monday, August 31, 2009

A very nice morning

Oh its gorgeous out. Chilly and crisp. I got up at a decent time and have already showered and dressed (big accomplishment for still being on summer holidays). Kids are fed and now playing with play dough. I have to make breakfast but I'll get that done in a minute.

No pain in my heels again this morning. Treating my feet very tenderly anyway. Padding around in big fluffy slippers and wearing my running shoes when I'm going to be on my feet longer than just grabbing a cup of coffee. My legs are feeling better. Doing a lot of gentle stretching whenever I think of it. Taking time off is hard but if it pays off and helps me get back out running then I'll be forever grateful for that advice!

E. tried on the body suit to his costume and its great! I'm thrilled. I don't like the velcro so I'm going to redo biggie that will take about 2 mins to correct. Once I'm happy with it I'll stitch it in to make it sturdy. Who knows how often he'll wind up wearing this costume. Last year he dressed up for a couple occasions. The nice part is that after its all hemmed up it can be used as a whole or in part for a few more costumes to come. I'm looking forward to diving into L's costume.

Today I need to make a better plan and I'll be off to the grocery store to make that plan happen!

Breakfast: Kashi Go Lean w/milk and banana. Coffee and vitamins

Snack: Kashi bar with tea

Lunch: Turkey on Ezekiel. Carrots and fruit

Snack: Fruit/yogurt smoothie (small serving)

Dinner: Leaned down version of Chicken Enchiladas with a side of black beans & green salad

Dessert: Likely nothing. Perhaps a late night cup of decaf tea while I sew.

I've got some household chores to do today so that's about the extent of my physical effort. Want to run but wont. grrrrr

Breakfast is done...time to get on with the day!

Sunday, August 30, 2009


Ok so it was not a good food day. Got side tracked when I didn't make my breakfast, falling back on the old habit of just sucking back coffee all morning. Lunch was a bit better in that I had some leftovers from last nights dinner. Chicken Provencal with a cup of quinoa. Dinner: fast food takeout.

I've been sewing since the end of dinner and have finished most of E's costume. I have to mold the ears and spats (the shoe coverings). I still need to decide on the style of tail and go pick up the material for it. I'll start the body suit for L's costume tomorrow since I've got everything I need for that part.

Kinda of blah day. Bummed about having to take the time off running. Trying hard not to think of it too much. On the bright side, the Plantars pain in my heels were none existent today. Still tight in the legs but a lot of downward facing dogs seems to be helping to loosen that up. Still working on the hips. Considering new shoes too.

Off to bed. Got grocery shopping to do in the morning so that I will not resort to bad food decisions. Night all.

I love them!

Ok so I've got really cute kids! I know all moms feel that way and its definitely true where I'm concerned. Today was haircut day. I love haircut day. We march them down to Mellonheads. We always try to get the first appointments of the day so that we can get out of there before the crying children come in. That's mostly for me and my low threshold for high pitched noises.

L always gets the Thomas Train chair. E. in the orange plane. Their haircuts take 10 mins tops. Neither child fusses nor squirms, usually content to sit and blow bubbles or to snoop through the bin of toys. They always get the same haircuts. Hubby gets his haircut the day before so that I've got something to point to and say just like his. So now both boys look just like Dad. Too cute. I hated the idea that E. would start school looking all shaggy. You would not believe how fast their hair grows. We are usually there every 2-3 months. They always get taken down to the wood but it comes back just as quickly as it gets snipped off.

E. was able to charm his way into the main building of the Richmond Hill Observatory ( yesterday night. They have a policy that no children under 7 can be admitted. After stargazing with a volunteer astronomer, Stuart, on the front lawn of the observatory. He told Stuart what the four major moons of Jupiter were. Told him what the big red spot was and went on to tell Stuart what constellations he was viewing were and their legends.

Stuart went in the main building and convinced the tour guides to allow E. to come in. He got a tour and got to climb up the ladder with hubby to take a look at the moon through the observatory telescope. He got to see the moon in great detail announcing it was the waxing gibbous. He amazed the astronomers and its very likely that they will not bar the doors to him on his future visits. It seems Stuart will definitely remember E! I wasn't surprised at all. Its amazing what he knows about the universe and that he is completely self-taught since age three.

Funnier still that he knows so much but still insists on being a rat chef for Halloween :D

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Chick Night!

Whoot! Ok well for a few hours at least. I'm putting L. to bed in a few minutes and then putting on my pj's. Pouring some wine and putting on a flick. Hubby is taking E. stargazing at the Richmond Hill Observatory. I do not expect them home much before 10:30. More than enough time to decompress by myself. Weeeeeee! Just had to make that general announcement. Now I will return you to our regularly scheduled programming.



I'm so tired. For some odd reason my mind refused to shut off last night. I have a sneaking suspicion that my 5 pm coffee from Tims wasn't actually a decaf. I stayed on that plain where I guess I was sleeping but never actually drifted off. I actually got up at midnight to take something that would help me drop off and it didn't work either!

I enjoyed todays run (just over 5k apparently) with Lindsay. Chatting about how we met our men and about other friend's dating experiences. The run was over in almost no time at all. Even the crappiest of runs can be good if you've got good conversation! The legs bothered me again to day but not nearly as bad as last Tuesday. The stretching is helping and now I'm going to heed some good advice and back off of the running for the next three days. I'll ice and stretch and use my new sewing projects as a means of distraction.

I've been too tired to do a whole lot of anything this morning. Exported a calender into my outlook. Got it all set up then took the kids over to McD's to run off some energy. Now I'm watching E. eat the lunch that he ignored in the restaurant while he tells his father all about Quarks. Yep, that's what I said.

The plan for the day:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with flaxseed, hemp hearts, agave nectar, cinnamon, raisins & walnuts. Coffee

Snack: More coffee (lots more coffee)

Lunch: McD's. That's it I'm not saying any more on that subject.

Snack: Tea and nectarine

Dinner: Chicken Provencal over a bed of quinoa with sauteed green beans.

After my afternoon coma I fulling intend to sew that costume together. It really shouldn't take long.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Friday Night

Its been a very quiet Friday. Hubby took the day off but we had no plans so it was just a putter around the house and yard kind of day. I took that opportunity to get my Outlook working on my laptop and wound up spending more than an hour writing rules to get rid of all the spam and to get "real" emails to route to the proper folders. What a waste of time!

In the afternoon, I darted out to the fabric store in search of costume material. It took forever to find the location on Harwood but after getting turned around once I managed to spot it (they didn't have a street sign, good grief). Its not exactly the nicest neighbourhood either.

I almost came home with about three more projects. I managed to find just about everything I need for both costumes but will have to hit Walmart for more pink felt, "stiffy" (fabric stiffener, get your head out of the gutter!) and black fabric paint and black yarn to make a mane. Unless I get lucky and come across some cheap black shaggy fur. L, will be a zebra but if asked he's Marty (Madagascar). Two weeks tops to finish both costumes completely.

I've got a real itch to get to the new quilt. Its going to be hard to limit myself to my current palette since I've discovered yet another source for quilting materials. I'm going to have to dive right in. Maybe I'll give up napping. How else will I ever find time to do all the things I want to do. Busy hand work is proving to be a real appetite killer too.

So the scale is actually inching down slightly. The blogging though boring for you all to read, is actually keeping me honest. The planning before hand is also allowing me to look more closely at what I eat. So thank you ladies for pulling me into the blog support group. I hope its working for you in the same way.

I need to throw my running gear into the wash for tomorrow. I wonder if it will rain tomorrow? I wonder what Misty has in store for us? I hope its just a regular run. I need to stop blogging and get the kidlets to bed so that I can start cutting into my fabric so that all I'm doing tomorrow is sewing the pieces together.

Nite nite!

The Long Weekend Begins

I got a chance to sleep in a little. It was nice. I woke up to L throwing toys into the empty bathtub in their bathroom. Loud clanging! He's been up to no good ever since. Typical. The living room and kitchen are nice and sunny and everyone is in a good mood. I'm still in first gear while it seems the rest of my men are in 5th.

I swung my legs out of the bed this morning and I can feel the Plantars coming back. So stretching like a mad women will be the top priority from now on. It must be just another sign that the running is causing my body to tighten up.

Today I start the hunt for the fur material for the costumes. I need to beat $25/m. If I'm desperate I'll pay the $25 but you can bet that I'll be trying to sell the costumes after the fact or at the very least trying to give them away so that they get more than just one year's use. Fabricland is having a sale on costume materials so I ought to be able to get a better deal. I know, I know boring stuff.

I also need to make appointments for haircuts and get the labels ironed into the kids new clothes. The house looks like it threw up on itself again so its going to be a putter around kind of day. Otherwise, I have no plans for anything dynamic. Just going to get the little things done today. Maybe if I hit the jackpot on the material I'll start into that project.

The plan so far:

Breakfast: two slices of toast with nut butter and banana (becoming my favourite fast meal) with coffee and vitamins

Snack: Kashi bar w/tea

Lunch: Chicken sandwich on Ezekiel bread, nectarine

Dinner: TBA

No running today. I'll do some deep stretching periodically during the day.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

3 out of 5

Ok so Tuesday Nights run was horrible. I also could tell that my range of motion was limited. So I've been worried about running again. For the last two days I've been nearly psyching myself out. Finally, I decided to go out.

I stretched for about 20 minutes before. I went and the first couple of steps were stiff but they limbered up. I ran a modest 4K and headed for home. I tried so hard not to freak myself out. I finished my run strong and stretched for another 20 minutes. I'm now sitting here watching tv with an icepack on each leg. It was nothing like Tuesday night but still not wonderful :( I guess I need to nurse the pains for a while. No quick fix.

So I've finally gotten around to watching the Grey's Anatomy episodes that I've had saved since January. Tonight I'm finally watching the season finale. Wow! I can't believe I had the strength to wait so long to watch the end of this show. I still have another hour but its really, really good. Its keeping my mind off the ice packs.

"I had a dream

it was....about James and Thomas!". "Mommy, Mommy! Thomas is a very special engine."

That's what woke me up today. L. wandered into my room and stood at the head of my bed and made his proclamation. So adorable. Now he's racing around the island in the kitchen, chugging and whistling like a train. All this while my eldest slumbers on. What I wouldn't give to curl up in E's bed with him and get a few more minutes of sleep. I would but E. throws elbows.

It looks like a gorgeous day out there today. We slept with the windows open last night and this morning it was actually chilly in the house. I have put the fireplace on in the living room to take the chill off. It will not be long before the leaves start to show signs of the season's change. On days like today I can't help but want to make bread and other comfort foods. Though, its not in my plans today.

Meal plan for the day:

Breakfast: Bowl of Kashi Go Lean and Coffee
Snack: yogurt with blueberries
Lunch: Big Salad with chicken and light feta cheese
Snack: carrots and hummus
Dinner: Pasta with roasted peppers and turkey sausage w/green salad

Today I'll start working on the designs/patterns for my Halloween Costumes. I have to look into the process for starching felt and how best to cover florist wire. E. has declared that he wants be Remy (Ratatouille). It is my concept that he should be in a mouse costume with a little red scarf tied under his chin and a chef's hat. He needs big elaborate ears, a cone nose with attached whiskers and a long tail. I'll create booties with vinyl soles for the feet. It will likely take me a month to finish this costume. But the worst is getting to the fabric stores to get what I need. Perfectionist procrastination is my biggest issue. The blank page gasp!

I still have no idea what L. will be. When I ask him he says "Soccer". Ummmm yeah, no. So I'll have to come up with something for him since he doesn't want to pick. Normally, he gets dressed in costumes that will come back to haunt him later in life. Cute things like a baby pea pod (his first costume). A blue fuzzy bunny rabbit and a skunk. Ah future girlfriends will just sigh when they see those pictures. This year will likely be one of the same. At least I'm not making them go out in the Charlie Brown Costume. You know the sheet with all the holes in it!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009



I over slept! I woke to the sound of L. giggling which can never be a good thing. It means he's up to trouble. I jumped up and slapped on my glasses and got to my feet only to be reminded that my legs don't like me.

I didn't get the chance to update the blog last night because it as 11:30 by the time I got in the door and had my stuff put away. The run last night was not a good one. I don't exactly know how it happened but I have my theories. At the start of my first interval last night I could feel all the muscles in my lower half of my legs just tighten up. It made for a hellish run with a very slow pace and more walk breaks and finally needing to stretch before the start of the last interval. It was so frustrating. Gahhhh!

My theory was that I was limber right up to the point where I decided to sit on the cool floor in the studio to hear Misty's talk. I could feel myself tightening up and stretched a little but perhaps that just did me in. No more sitting on that floor, if I can help it.

Stretching afterward was a nightmare. My legs were so jumpy and getting into a deep stretch was really hard. But once I stopped moving my legs felt just fine again. I sat for coffee for about two hours (which was awesome ladies, thanks for the invite!) and got up and got to my car without feeling a thing. Today they are just reminding me that ice will be appropriate but still not bad enough for Advil. Sigh, I'm an old lady LOL

The plan today is a play date with a girlfriend. We'll likely be gone for the better part of the morning.

Two slices of toast with nut butter and banana, coffee, vitamin B complex

Snack: Kashi bar and tea

Lunch: Chicken Sandwich and carrots/hummus, vitamin D & Calcium
After Nap: Iron & Vitamin C

Dinner: Grilled Steak & Salad

Dessert: Brownie & tea

Besides that today is a rest day. I've got nothing planned except watching the inside of my eyelids come nap time. Then in whatever quiet time I get here and there I'll be mentally redecorating L's room.

Update: The play date was a lot of fun. Got to spend some time with a good friend of whom I don't ever see enough of. The kids got to run around and have a blast and ate a huge lunch. Usually, E. is too wound up to eat anything when he plays with friends. I sure hope his friend's appetites wear off of him.

L. fell asleep in the car and I had to change him out of his dirty play clothes. In the process, I woke him up and there was no going to sleep after that. Therefore, Mommy didn't nap. I spent the hour or so tidying up and organizing for the evening. Needless to say, I'm dragging my tail feathers a few feet lower. Good thing I had nothing planned for the night.

I need a cup of coffee! Gahhhhhh!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


Whatever you do, DO NOT search for my blog by "cupcake diaries". OK well, go ahead but please DO NOT think its mine! The owner of that blog chronicles her extra curricular activities, ie hand jobs and whatnot. Hardly, something I'd write about. For those who know me better, know that butter wouldn't melt in my mouth. LOL

Its 12:57 and so far today I've registered for a 5K race and The CN Tower Climb. You'd think that I like being busy and active or something. I'm not big for races. I just like knowing that I can go that particular distance and usually have a rough idea how long it will take me. My last 5K was accomplished in 34:15. I know I can shave off at least 2 mins this time around.

The CN Tower thing is a social thing. We've got a team of 50 women invading Toronto for the weekend. Its going to be a hoot. Hubby climbed the tower a couple of times and said he can do it in about 20 mins. I'm not sure if I have a goal. I'm just praying that I will not be doing it hungover. I make no promises.

So far a good day. Stayed true to my meal plan. Kids are being kind to me. The house looks like threw up on itself. A very productive day! LOL I'll get it all picked up as soon as my tornadoes are locked away for nap time.

Good Morning Sunshine!

Day two of the week. Its amazing, that feeling of waking up alert though feeling a little lazy. Feeling the sun on my face and hearing my sons horsing around in their rooms. I bounded out of bed this morning. I feel good.

I've even eaten breakfast! That just never happens! I purchased some of that crazy Ezekiel Bread to check it out. And besides the fact that I'll need new teeth soon, just to finish the loaf. I purchased the sesame version. Its good. Smeared some nut butter on it and sliced some banana over top. I never do that but I just didn't feel up to making a bowl of oatmeal. I'm just sitting back, blogging and working on my first coffee and wondering what the day will hold. What plans should I make?

I suppose I should plan the menu first:

Breakfast (was):
Two slices of Ezekiel Bread w/nut butter and sliced banana
Coffee (meds).

Nectarine and some almonds

Leftovers from last night's dinner
(grilled mustard glazed pork loin with mixed rice pilaf and broccoli)

Carrots and 1/4c skinny hummus

Grilled chicken breast with oven roasted sweet potato fries and mixed green salad.

Bran Brownie & tea

There now the menu planning is accomplished. Now what on Earth should I do today? I've got a bedroom that is screaming out for some organization. Perhaps I'll tackle that today during Y&R (which I can clandestinely watch on my bedroom tv) if I can set the boys up with a task that can keep them occupied before lunchtime. I've got to conserve some energy for tonight. Run club. I wish I knew what Misty had planned for us.

I've been planning a quilt in my mind for a while now. Daydreaming about it. Touching the fabric in my mind's eye. Working the measurements. Calculating how much I'll need of each material. Fingering the binding tape. The feel of pushing the material through the feed dogs. I should seriously get to work on that. I can't bring myself to throw out any material because I know I can use it for a quilt. Its time to start using what I've collected.

I can feel it coming on. Its in the air. The temperatures are starting to fall slightly. The air has a bit more tang to it. September. Fall. The "Martha" persona coming back. Coming to set up house for the cold months to come. I love the anticipation.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Monday Wrap-up

Well ok, so I didn't eat my snacks. Felt no need for them today. But had that wonderful salad and the planned dinner (except instead of the pork chops I opted for a lovely pork loin glazed with mustard and thyme on the grill). Baked my bran brownies and went out for my run.

I have to say that was one stupendous run. Try as I might, I could not slow my pace to save my soul and it didn't matter one bit. I ran a modest 4K. Enjoyed my music and watched the sun set. Now I'm making my cup of tea and going to enjoy one of those brownies. Then heading to bed for 10 pm.

All-in-all and despite feeling a little blue this afternoon I'd say this day ranked a 7 out of 10. Good job *pat on back*

Monday Afternoon

I am waiting somewhat impatiently for my rice dish to finish doing its thing and in the 35 minutes that I have left before I can dart up the stairs and put my head on my pillow, I decided to catch up with my thoughts.

I am proud of the good start for this week. Its hard for me to eat breakfast as I am just not hungry in the morning but that likely has more to do with the fact that I have fallen so far off of my healthy eating plan that it will take a few weeks for my body to get back on its eating schedule. No matter, I am doing it now, that's what counts.

I did get my running around done and some cleaning accomplished. Half of our dinner is ready and the other part just needs to kiss the grill for 15 minutes to be finished. I will make the brownies when I get up while I am in the kitchen watching L. eat his supper. Perhaps I will get him to help me (make a mess that is). Have gotten my water in and am wearing a rut to the bathroom. Hey maybe if I drink more water and wear the carpet outright I can convince hubby into replacing it with hardwood! Right, well, I can dream.

During my grocery trip I did something that was so typically me. The klutz that I am. I was trying to wrangle a 40lb bag of "lite" dog food (nothing light about a 40lb bag of loosely packed kibble) on to the bottom of the car under the boys feet and I smacked the bridge of my nose right on the handle of the cart! I'm sure that many "blue" words crossed my lips but obviously my boys have more social graces than their mother because they just pretended to be absorbed in the store flyer. Have I mentioned how much I love my boys?

When I righted myself, clutching my nose! Both boys looked at me like they were going to cry. E. offered me a band aid and L, demanded to kiss the boo boo. I could have cried, both in pain and the sweetness that my kids exuded. I swear sometimes they are like candy! Luckily, it wasn't broken nor will it bruise but it still aches. I should have gotten half of it lopped off years ago when I was offered the surgery! Who the hell cares if it would alter my singing voice. Fancy lot anyone ever hears it.

I am just feeling a little melancholy now. Of course my son picks a task for me to accomplish right when its time for naps. He is really into Archery right now and requested that I make him a bow and arrow (yeah because I am some sort of Macgyver and can just create these toys with my bare hands and a few Popsicle sticks!) When I tried with diminishing patience to explain to him that I would be unable to do that and that perhaps it would be nice craft project for after Karate, he started a bit of a tantrum stating that he was going to run away. Yep, I guess he's at that magic age.

It made me sad because I remembered how I used to say those things to my mom. It must have hurt her a lot. Now I am on the receiving end and part of me sort of panicked remembering that little boy who died last Thanksgiving when he ran away and was found dead from exposure just outside Barrie. Now I know its a leap but I remember that his parents tried to call his bluff and said something along the lines of..."ok, see yah later". And those were their final words.

I immediately scooped him up and told E. that I would be so very sad if he ever went away. That we'd miss him so much that we'd never be happy again. I doubt that he really understands the weight of the topic but at least he'll remember what I said....I hope.

Now I am thinking about my mom. I miss her.

Its a New Week


For me this means a return to sanity. Its a return to a well worn schedule of tending children, cleaning up the debris from the weekend and getting back to a normal diet. This weekend was particularly hard on my eating. I packed healthy sandwiches and fruit and veg to snack on but my resistance to the chips got impossible when we were stuck in the car in the pouring rain for more than an hour. It started the spiral like chum in the water. Sigh. Enough, time to shrug it off.

So I am grateful for a do over. Its my plan to have dinner ready before nap time so a quick warm-up at dinner time will be the only thing between me and healthy food. Right! So what should be on today's menu? Well I guess I ought to start with breakfast.

Oatmeal with flax, hemp hearts, egg whites and blueberries. 1 1/2 cups of coffee with 5% cream (trying to get that down to 1 cup per morning and very few incidents of evening or social cups will have tea instead).

Kashi bar and clear tea

The huge salad: 2 cups greens and basil, tomato, nectarine, cucumber, carrots, bell peppers, light feta, 2 ounces poached chicken and Homemade light oil/vinegar dressing. 1 slice multi-grain toast rubbed with garlic clove.

Carrot sticks and 1/4 c light hummus

Grilled pork chops (extra trim), roasted peppers and mushrooms, wild & whole grain brown rice pilaf.

a Chocolate Bran Brownie and decaf tea.

My planned activities for the day are tidying, laundry, a quick run to the stuper-store and meal prep and baking. After an early dinner I'll be heading out for a run around 8'ish. Its also my goal to be in bed, lights out by 10 pm. I've got to get off summer hours. I believe that staying up to 1 am reading has done more to kibosh my appetite than I'd care to imagine.

I'll post back later to journal anything that came up (hopefully it will be an uneventful and even toned day). I am optimistic that this can be a great week. Gotta stop fiddle-arsing now and get to it!

Deep breathe in....exhale. Deep breathe in.....exhale

Sunday, August 23, 2009

My First Blog....

Now comes the hard part. Disclosure. Yikes!

Step One: Confession.

I confess, I am Katie. A 39 year-old SAHM of two boys of whom I am hopelessly in love with. I married my best friend 5 years ago and created a very satisfying life. Well, as a joint effort its a satisfying life but it often feels like something is lacking. Its a personal thing. I am in the chrysalis stage and its a tough place to be.

I spent my childhood and twenties looking like a petite-size model. In high school, some friends wanted to approach my mom about staging an intervention because I was too thin. In truth, back then I lived on cigarettes, coffee and small bags of BBQ Fritos. I spent all my money on clothes and had no time for dinner because I was too busy getting ready to go out and have the best bit of fun I could.

It came as a shock one day when I looked at myself in the mirror and realized the days of having zero thought or worry about my waistline were over. Full stop! The years of treating my metabolism like a trampoline and the newly acquired culinary skills had bitten me in the hiney. Before I got engaged in 2003 I was at 168. I should have been between 105-120. Ugh!

My first ever attempt at dieting wasn't a bad experience. I joined WW online and lost 30lbs in five months. I was good at it. I didn't need to lift a finger to lose it either and that suited me just fine. I was 138 in my wedding dress and felt awesome. Fast forward 3 months and I am pregnant with E. All hell broke loose! Fast forward 9 months and I am 175. Another five months and I was back to Pre-E. weight. Then less than a year later I had L. and thirty days later I was 189.

So that's where I really think I started from. Again, back to WW Online and got down to 150. This time it was different. This time it was personal. Something had changed. I wasn't just motivated by the ideal of wanting to be a size 4. This time I am scared and fueled by many different things. Fear being a big one. I am afraid to be sick, even worse, to be old and sick. I am also fueled by anger and frustration.

I mentioned yesterday to Sheree and Lyndsay that I was being motivated by a single person to lose the weight now. That I wanted this person to choke on my success and part of me still does (I never claimed to be the most mature/altruistic person alive). After I said that, I thought about it and that's not entirely true. It was in the beginning but now its an accumulation of negative people, thoughts, excuses and sour experiences, that leave fingerprints on my psyche. I am using all that to fuel that push forward. Putting as much distance between me and "it".

Step Two: Denial/Acceptance

In the last year I have come to see that there are things I need to accept. I have been plateaued for more than a year at 143. I have tried upping my physical activity. Though my body is stronger it didn't help the scale inch downward. I stopped "dieting" and that hasn't helped. After I exhausted myself I turned to doctors and am still waiting for someone to figure out what is medically wrong with me. I don't just suffer from not being able to lose weight but also a plethora of other symptoms, worst of all is a lack of energy.

I have also gained back a few of the pounds I worked so hard to lose even though nothing has changed in my diet in the last 4 months. I am now back to 147-150. Miserable (putting it out there is painful too). I need to come to terms that this may just be a long haul thing. I am not ready to throw in any towels. I am just refocusing my efforts from the scale to the way I want feel.

Step Three: Forming Goals and Going For It!

I may not lose another pound. Ok, so I have said it. I sure hope that's not the case but I have got to stop being sour about it. I have spent more than 10 years being unhappy with the size of my clothes. What now? Focus Shifting/Goal Setting. What do I want? I want to be healthy and active! I still want to be size 4 but its not essential. I want to be happy and positive. How will I get there? 1) Activity. 2) Eating, as cleanly, as possible. 3) Gaining new perspective. I am looking for my Zen.

Right now I am very diverted by running. I am in the middle of a 5K Advanced clinic and having a great time with it. I love the people I run with (give yourself a pat on the back ladies! You make exercise just way too much fun!). Sometimes I kick myself for not being further ahead in my training. I want to be a Running Granny. I want to be that 90 year-old, trim and energetic woman logging miles and races with her grand children.

I have to remember all the time that the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. I am on my 4th...maybe 5th step but I like it. I am chomping at the bit to get on with it! I am trying to balance my desires of where I want to be with where I am currently and keeping it light and positive and constantly moving forward. I want redefine who I am.

Phewwww...that was a lot. I need to go crawl under the bed for a bit to recover. Now seriously, that took a lot out of me. I don't like "couch" time but I know its cathartic.