Now comes the hard part. Disclosure. Yikes!
Step One: Confession.
I confess, I am Katie. A 39 year-old SAHM of two boys of whom I am hopelessly in love with. I married my best friend 5 years ago and created a very satisfying life. Well, as a joint effort its a satisfying life but it often feels like something is lacking. Its a personal thing. I am in the chrysalis stage and its a tough place to be.
I spent my childhood and twenties looking like a petite-size model. In high school, some friends wanted to approach my mom about staging an intervention because I was too thin. In truth, back then I lived on cigarettes, coffee and small bags of BBQ Fritos. I spent all my money on clothes and had no time for dinner because I was too busy getting ready to go out and have the best bit of fun I could.
It came as a shock one day when I looked at myself in the mirror and realized the days of having zero thought or worry about my waistline were over. Full stop! The years of treating my metabolism like a trampoline and the newly acquired culinary skills had bitten me in the hiney. Before I got engaged in 2003 I was at 168. I should have been between 105-120. Ugh!
My first ever attempt at dieting wasn't a bad experience. I joined WW online and lost 30lbs in five months. I was good at it. I didn't need to lift a finger to lose it either and that suited me just fine. I was 138 in my wedding dress and felt awesome. Fast forward 3 months and I am pregnant with E. All hell broke loose! Fast forward 9 months and I am 175. Another five months and I was back to Pre-E. weight. Then less than a year later I had L. and thirty days later I was 189.
So that's where I really think I started from. Again, back to WW Online and got down to 150. This time it was different. This time it was personal. Something had changed. I wasn't just motivated by the ideal of wanting to be a size 4. This time I am scared and fueled by many different things. Fear being a big one. I am afraid to be sick, even worse, to be old and sick. I am also fueled by anger and frustration.
I mentioned yesterday to Sheree and Lyndsay that I was being motivated by a single person to lose the weight now. That I wanted this person to choke on my success and part of me still does (I never claimed to be the most mature/altruistic person alive). After I said that, I thought about it and that's not entirely true. It was in the beginning but now its an accumulation of negative people, thoughts, excuses and sour experiences, that leave fingerprints on my psyche. I am using all that to fuel that push forward. Putting as much distance between me and "it".
Step Two: Denial/Acceptance
In the last year I have come to see that there are things I need to accept. I have been plateaued for more than a year at 143. I have tried upping my physical activity. Though my body is stronger it didn't help the scale inch downward. I stopped "dieting" and that hasn't helped. After I exhausted myself I turned to doctors and am still waiting for someone to figure out what is medically wrong with me. I don't just suffer from not being able to lose weight but also a plethora of other symptoms, worst of all is a lack of energy.
I have also gained back a few of the pounds I worked so hard to lose even though nothing has changed in my diet in the last 4 months. I am now back to 147-150. Miserable (putting it out there is painful too). I need to come to terms that this may just be a long haul thing. I am not ready to throw in any towels. I am just refocusing my efforts from the scale to the way I want feel.
Step Three: Forming Goals and Going For It!
I may not lose another pound. Ok, so I have said it. I sure hope that's not the case but I have got to stop being sour about it. I have spent more than 10 years being unhappy with the size of my clothes. What now? Focus Shifting/Goal Setting. What do I want? I want to be healthy and active! I still want to be size 4 but its not essential. I want to be happy and positive. How will I get there? 1) Activity. 2) Eating, as cleanly, as possible. 3) Gaining new perspective. I am looking for my Zen.
Right now I am very diverted by running. I am in the middle of a 5K Advanced clinic and having a great time with it. I love the people I run with (give yourself a pat on the back ladies! You make exercise just way too much fun!). Sometimes I kick myself for not being further ahead in my training. I want to be a Running Granny. I want to be that 90 year-old, trim and energetic woman logging miles and races with her grand children.
I have to remember all the time that the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. I am on my 4th...maybe 5th step but I like it. I am chomping at the bit to get on with it! I am trying to balance my desires of where I want to be with where I am currently and keeping it light and positive and constantly moving forward. I want redefine who I am.
Phewwww...that was a lot. I need to go crawl under the bed for a bit to recover. Now seriously, that took a lot out of me. I don't like "couch" time but I know its cathartic.
Day 16 – 18: a San Francisco weekend
12 hours ago