Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Upside of Anger

For a great while now I've been struggling with something that makes me really sad and angry.  I avoid confrontations because I fear what I'll say or do.  When someone truly deserves it, I hold it in because I don't like the what becomes of me.  So I try to avoid drama in my life. To avoid it I try to make a concerted effort to treat people as I would want to be treated.  I show loyalty and respect to those I love.  Would go to the deuces to have someone's back.   But yet it still finds me.  More so, it may actually be that I have a way of overreacting to it. I'm sure everyone has their fair share of it in their day-to-day lives.  For me however, it's fight or flight.  I can go from zero to sixty, in no time flat.  Likely have always done so but as an adult it's becoming more apparent and more shameful.

At least I feel shameful about it.  At this late an age why is it that certain things and certain people still have the ability to run roughshod over me?  The truth is that the person who likes to stir the pot ought to feel the shame but she only does it because she knows she can.  She has gotten the better of me and that I'm afraid is my fault.   She knows that I will not unleash on her.  It makes me appear weak. She found the chink in my armour. Time to get new armour.

The things I'm learning from this:

  • Loyalty:  A forgotten character trait.  
  • Trust: Must be earned.  It is no longer a given at the beginning of any relationship.
  • Actions: Speak the truth about one's character, before one can defend their actions with justification.
  • That standing your ground and having faith in yourself is sometimes the only thing you have.
  • That I'll be unleashing that ugly side of me in order to preserve the better side of me (but only to the truly deserving of it).
  • That in the face of adversity you can be fortified.  I'm fiercer and more motivated to smash every single one of my goals now than I was yesterday. 
So dear "frenemy" and "pot stirrer"  thank you.  Through your lack of ethics, lack of loyalty and your poor character along with your petty actions you've made me bigger, stronger and more successful than I would have been without you.   I'm bringing my A game.  What have you got?  

Better not flinch!

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