Sometimes there's power to be had by saying no or just walking away. I've never been a person who enjoys confrontation. I'd rather get a horrible haircut then confront a person about the way I feel about how they've acted toward me. I've always considered it a sign of weakness that I'd rather avoid a fight and I despise my weaknesses.
I bumped into someone on Saturday night, who by all means has been just horrible to me . Now her motivations for being that way are a mystery to me though I'm sure I could come up with a few plausible guesses. I'm not going to waste my time supposing it. She knows that she has hurt me and treated me horribly and has been told that I expect an apology (but really since its been 10 months since her last infraction I no longer expect anything from her). Tonight I bumped into her again.
Now I have wondered what I would say to her given the opportunity. In my mind, I've harangued her. In some, I've actually lunged but I only had those when the wounds were still very raw. I've made jokes about how the only good reunion with her would be lead with my front bumper. Now that it actually came to pass I feel very differently about it. I'm no longer upset. I no longer care about her at all. She has become largely irrelevant.
When our paths crossed each time I just turned my back on her and walked away. Normally, I would have kicked myself for doing that. That for some reason it would be better to make peace even though it would only come at my expense because nothing would actually be resolved. This person does not accept any responsibility for her actions. She has made it quite clear that she plans to play the "dumb" card. Twist the memories of the events so that the waters are muddied (yet again, I should add).
Instead, I walked away and continued on with my plans. My heart rate did not climb into my ears. I did not hold my breath. I did not feel sick. I did not look the other way. I did not turn my head or try to hide. I just walked passed. She called after me then called me a name when I didn't turn around to face her. Why? Why would I?
I don't know if I've faced up to a bully but I have faced up to myself. No recriminations for not confronting. I'm delighted that I tuned her out. Instead of being mad that I didn't have "courage" to berate her for being a horrible person, I chose to skip it because I saw no value in the fight. No. I won a battle tonight. No weakness either.
Weekend Reading, 3.18.18
9 hours ago